walking by the scene
On Saturday we did not wake up to the sound of gunshots, but perhaps one or two more blocks and we would have. I was probably already awake. I remember going regretfully to Safeway at 8, where I would be the only customer around amidst overhelpful overcheerful employees asking if I needed help. This was my biggest problem Saturday morning. I didn't need help, I needed a clue.
I think it is hardest for people in our position to talk ourselves down from a state of panic and grief surrounding the nonsensical killings. People who live farther away from the scene, can say well, they never go that way. Republican street, where the heck is that anyway. Only nutcases on that street. I think the same thing passing a car accident going the opposite way, for of course I would never go down this road THAT direction (I do). Then the plane crash in the foreign city, as if presence in that city is somehow asking for it. It makes no sense, but this distancing works and keeps us dumb but healthy. But for this tragedy, we cannot slip into that state. The house is across the street where I went to middle school. It is on the route to the nearest park if you are walking. I have carried screaming children past the house grateful that ours is so close. I have dragged bass clarinets scraping on the sidewalk as if someone would transport my parents home closer out of pity. The madness is very close, it's right here.
I don't read the paper or watch the TV news of any kind. So my brother had to call me to ask if I was OK. There was no action for me to take, other than become more clueful. We have not told the kids. I walked past the scene this morning. The large police paddywagon. The officers in the street talking. The yellow tape. I felt bad being a gawker too, and moved on as if this was my morning stroll. It might have been.
The thing even harder to take is the cultural distancing. Of course, it does not make sense for most people to host open parties in their home, and possibly the dark undertones of the social scene is an open invitation to the distancing. Instead of promising ourselves we don't ever drive on I5 THAT direction, we say we would never attend a rave, never attend a DJ event, never go to a home where everyone does not know everyone else after such an event. This is a cultural cop-out. The lunacy in the perpetrator was not his alone to bear. But the sorrow is all of ours.
I hope the news coverage will do their best. I cannot bear to watch right now.