S.A.D.
This is the first year I have discovered I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Sure, it's self-diagnosed, but *man* when that rain started pouring down last week that was the total and complete end. How do I know I have S.A.D.?
* I am doing my walks in the rain anyway, because I end up looking so pitiful, like a cat pulled into the bathtub (don't ask how I know that), and that way my outside will look like my inside. OMG I think I need to paint some velvety paintings with sad clowns or something.
* So tired. Could not even get out of bed to tape LOST last Wednesday. Forget watching it. I'm talking unwrapping a tape, sticking it in, pressing record, going back to bed. No can do. Went to bed at 6:30. Then, finding out that was the end of the new episodes for a while, this was a life altering event.
* Having to systematically remember to visualize my happy place. Having to set SMS reminders on my cell phone to do this. Wonder if its working. Wonder if I have a happy place.
* I make a sudden and vehement demand to rent this house out anytime I want and for as long as it takes. Just get me somewhere sunny.
* I felt it necessary to purchase a $30 bottle of wine even through I was riding my bike home. I would get that wine home no matter what.
* My Thursday class got cancelled so I read self-help books while eating a cheese plate sampler as an entree all by myself. Just so you know, when people say "grandfather of all brie" this is a good thing.
* Cannot bounce back from anything bad happening. Like anything even a little bit bad. Crushing blow. Resulting overcontrol attempts. Would you like coffee with those white knuckles?
* Reading books about other people's losses. When I should just be reading HP6 again.
* Chocolate in the house I voluntarily purchased.
* A sweater costing $250 and the resulting bourgeois internal litany.
* My cell phone completely dies and I don't feel empowered to get a new one. WTF? I have had this one for 3 years. I'm not sure I want to make another 3 year decision while I'm feeling like this.
* Comments still not working.
* I demoted myself an entire kit. Think I was in kit 4? Nah, I'm still in kit 3. Again. The irony of kit 3 is, halfway through, something called the "sun" is supposed to come out. My nagging thought is unless I can face my demons I won't even recognize the sun when it happens.
Tomorrow I get the results from a stress blood test I took. The hormonal work-up. Am I off the charts, or sitting pretty? The lab results will tell. It's nifty to get some sort of objective confirmation of your subjective experience of the world. And the irony is, right now is things being better. Right now. I actually expect the results from this test to be a baseline low for me in terms of stress.
I have so much to be grateful for right now, and it seems the best I can do is to plan to appreciate it at the earliest opportunity to fly outta here. The kids want to try Florida again. On spring break. The kids are crazy. We should probably try it. Perhaps do the trip into Dallas, spend the night, and then the rest of the way? Seattle has very few flights it seems.
Anyway. Please don't take so seriously. It's just raining very very hard. Too hard even for someone who grew up here.